


I'm Only Half Of Who I Want To Be

by DamsInDistress



Series: Divide The World In Two [3]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre-Japan GP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-23 01:10:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4857518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DamsInDistress/pseuds/DamsInDistress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Max made a mistake and the guilt is starting to get to him. Can he do anything to make things right or is it too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Only Half Of Who I Want To Be

**Author's Note:**

  * For [F1_rabbit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/F1_rabbit/gifts).



Max has just set his bag in the corner of his room. They arrived in Japan a few hours ago and was told by the team that they has today and tomorrow to go sight-seeing before they all go back to work mode. The flight was strange. It was too quite. Franz kept looking back from him and Carlos, who had his hoodie pulled up and seemed to be sleeping but his head was turned facing the window and wouldn't look or speak to anyone. 

Max let out a sigh as he throws himself on his bed. He screwed up. He screwed up in so many ways. During the race in Singapore, his dad was still breathing down his neck and what most bothered him was that he screwed up with Carlos. 

He knew that he's always been more interested in boys rather than girls but his dad would have none of it, told him that he's ruin his career even before it took off and that if anything got leaked on the press that he'll no longer be his son. So Max did what was the easiest way to please hi dad, he got a girlfriend. Or more precisely a pretend girlfriend. He's know her for some time now, before the season started and they clicked as friends. They started to hang out together but he knew that they'll only just be friends, maybe she can be his best friend but nothing more than that. So one day, under the guise of going on a date, Max told her the truth. How he really feels about her and that he wish they can still be friends, how his dad thinks of who he really is and who his heart really belonged to. Max was surprised when she pulled him into a hug and told him that he understands and how she sees him more as a younger brother. It was actually her idea that they'd tell people that they're going out. Both of them are away enough to spend more than a few days with each other with both of them racing. So he went with it. 

The plan managed to get his dad's approval and gave him the tiniest more of freedom that he was given. But it seemed to have cost him one important person instead. When they arrived in Singapore, Max noticed how tired Carlos looked, how he couldn't look at him for more than quick glance whenever they were alone but seemed to put on a smile whenever the media is around but it would drop once they were out of sight. Max also noticed how Dan and Dany were hovering in the slightest way around his teammate with Dan looking at him with a certain look that was far from the usually happy Daniel that they were used to. 

When his car got stuck once the lights went out on the grid he didn't know what to do at first and then he started to get going again and spent most of his race fighting his way through the points. When he reaches the last few remaining laps, his radio burst to life with his engineer telling him to let Carlos through. He outright said no. His dad has told him that if the occasion comes that the team ask him to give a place to his teammate to say no and get on with his race. That it was an act that would destroy his career and will make people loose respect for him as a driver. His engineer once again asked for him to let Carlos past but he kept his mouth shut and continued his way to the checkered flag. 

Once he's out of the car and ushered to the media pen, as expected, it was question after question about him disobeying the team order but he stuck to his guns and knew that he worked hard to finish in then points after his horrible start. During the team debrief, he tried his best to keep his emotions in check as the different sides of the garage start discussing about what happened in the end. It was Franz who told everyone that enough was enough and that they all have a flight to Japan to catch tomorrow morning. Carlos got out of his chair the fastest and left the team looking as he all but ran back to the team hospitality area. 

Max felt his frustration reach up to his ears as he marches to his room in the hospitality area. He enters his room and wanted to throw everything he sees but that would just make him seem immature. He hears Carlos from the other room and he marches out of his room to go to the Spaniard. He doesn't know what took over him but when Carlos turned around to see who has entered his room Max crushed their lips together. He tried his best to control the kiss as he can feel Carlos try to grasp what was going on. Max slowly feels Carlos try to kiss him back and he feels relief. Relief that he wasn't being rejected by the one person that matters the most to him. In that moment he doesn't care what his dad thinks, what the team thinks and what the media thinks. All he cares about in that moment was kissing Carlos and Carlos kissing him back. He pulls away from the Spaniard for a fraction to take a breath before he dives right back in and tries to deepen the kiss. When Max feels Carlos move his hand to his face he suddenly snaps out of what seemed to be a trance. He feels his eyes sting as tears begin to form in his eyes. What was he doing? 

Max pulls away from Carlos as he tries to wipe the tears from his eyes. Carlos tries to move towards Max but he tells him no. Max keeps wiping at his eyes before he turns to tell Carlos to forget what just happened and marches out of the room. 

Max can feel the tears build up once again as he remembers what felt like the biggest mistake he's made. Turning away his friend, teammate, the man he loves and telling him to forget what happened between them when it was clear that they have feelings for each other. Max heaves a sob as he pushes himself up from his bed and heads for the door. 

He was walking aimlessly down the corridor of the hotel. He knew that Carlos was staying in the same floor, he remembers hearing that he was at the last room of the hall so Max marches down towards Carlos. He doesn't really know what he'll tell the Spaniard but he needs Carlos. Needs to tell him he was sorry, needs to tell him how he feels, what he means to him. Max needs to tell Carlos that he loves him. 

Max finally reaches the room and took a shaky breath before he knocks. He hears shuffling from inside the room before a blurry-eyed Carlos opens the door and looks at Max with shock on his face. Max can see that the Spaniard had been crying and he feels his heart break because he knew who's fault it was. He didn't care when he feels tears fall in his face once again but he reaches out to Carlos and hugs him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry." Max starts to babble as he feels Carlos wrap his arms around the Belgian. "It doesn't matter. We're here now. It doesn't matter Max." Carlos says trying to not let his voice break. "I love you. I love you so much and I'm such a horrible person for doing that to you. I don't deserve you but I want you, no, I need you to know that I love you, Carlos. Only you." Max says as he finally moves his head to face Carlos. Carlos wipes away his tears and cups his face. Carlos leans in to kiss his forehead, then moves down to kiss both his eyes, then his nose before hovering above his lips. Carlos moves his eyes back to meet Max's before whispering to him. "I love you Max. It doesn't matter what happened. All that matters to me is you. You are the most important person to me Max. I love you too." Max can feel every word Carlos said, with just a hair's breath separating their lips, Carlos finally closes the gap between them. It was slow and gentle and the most loved that Max has ever felt. 

For most of his life, Max had to hide who he was from the people around him. Hiding it from the fans, his dad and trying to convince himself that he's hidden that part of him so well that he could convince himself. But he always felt like he was hiding half of his world from everyone, including himself. That he will always be half of who he really is and half of who he wanted to be. But when Carlos kissed him Max felt his world come full circle. That it doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks. This is his world now.


End file.
